Lord, what fools these mortals be.

In our increasingly ADD-conducive culture, advertisers are scrambling to grab a piece of the attentional pie.  Even with SEO and targeted ad campaigns, brands still constitute small fish in one big whoppin’ virtual pond.  Maybe I represent a very small Internet consumer demographic, but Google Adsense, to me, is much like driving a route I already know with my GPS turned on. Thanks, but no thanks.

There’s a reason that most users, say, prefer to scour search results before calling tech support when they need troubleshooting help— and it really boils down to what I call the “self self” effect (an expression I coined when I was 3, and has continued to serve me well over the years): not only am I doing an a-okay job on my own without your help, but, furthermore… bugger-off.

Now, I am a groundswell movement enthusiast; and I firmly believe that this movement succeeds largely because it presents as a less intrusive conversation, (rather than a relentless series of, likely, less-than-relevant suggestions after I’ve mentally declared that I don’t want any suggestions at all, thankyouverymuch).  But, let’s face it, there’s so much going on in cyberspace, that sometimes I don’t want to have a conversation either.  I love that someone’s listening to me, but I’m, like, busy doing something else.  Can we talk about motor cars and movie rentals later?

So, lying on my gym’s floor after a 3-mile run, somewhere around set 2, rep. 24 of my crunches, I noticed on an upswing an enormous billboard out the window I happened to be facing.  And I should’ve… 3 weeks ago.  The window is really an entire wall with a panoramic view.  Sitting on my purple, cushy mat, and leaning an arm against a bright pink exercise ball (did I mention that my gym happens to be for women only?), I pondered the advertisement,

“Bud Light: The Difference is DRINKABILITY”

as I reached for my 20 oz. bottle of… Aquafina.

Thought #1: “That billboard is enormous!  I’m vaguely aware that it’s been there… but I wonder why I’ve never read it until now.”

Thought #2: “Now that I have, what a terrible place to put that particular advertisement!”

I guess Budweiser gets points for attempting to peddle something light to a demographic of women who are sporting sweat-beads and red faces and, most likely, deeply engulfed in a motivating fantasy where they have Pink’s body and are using it to some empowering end.  To Budweiser, l concede, light holds a certain appeal for women (even if it has no practical place in my present reality).  In truth, women are probably at the gym now, perspiring and rehydrating with spring water, so they can look their best when they go out to the bar on Friday night to enjoy a Bud Light (or, more likely, a Sam Light… or a rum and diet coke).

[Roll clip related to women, weight-loss, and timing-finesse]:

Analysis: The problem with Budweiser’s advertisement (and so many others– especially online ad campaigns) lies in the timing (which, in the case of advertising, is inextricably tied to placement).

I like carbonated, alcoholic beverages, and I even think they can jive with the image of a fit, empowered woman… but all I wanted to see, sweating, sitting on a mat covered in 50 other people’s sweat (I imagine) was a shower, dinner, and 20 more oz. of cool, smooth, spring water.

So where would I be mostly likely to pay attention to a Bud Light advertisement?  Gosh.  There’s a form of advertising that I’ve always felt was particularly underrated, and it popped up in my mind, at that moment, as especially applicable.

The answer is: a public restroom.

[A brief history: when I was in college, kids used to post sublet, roommate, and furniture-for-sale advertisements, as well as concert and social / cause group notifications on the inside of bathroom doors.  In short, if craigslist had cost money, this would have been the poor man's craigslist.  (Craigslist was around and kickin', but kids still did this-- which makes a statement).  In the freshman dormitories, kids posted magazine content, and changed it weekly, just to have something to read while doing their business, and it sparked conversations in the communal bathrooms about new personal care products or whatever astute bit of advice Cosmopolitan had to offer that week.]

Advertisements placed on the back of a stall door, or above a urinal, probably have the potential to grab (at minimum) about 20 seconds of someone’s undivided attention– and a good advertisement might just keep someone hanging out longer.  The National Sleep Foundation suggests that individuals who are not sleep deprived will experience boredom (i.e. they will seek stimulation, not exhibit lethargy or desire to sleep in the absence of stimulation).  So, to begin with, advertisers have got a brief, paid-for commercial break and a rapt audience with little or no distractions.  “Viewers” (bathroom users) decide proactively to engage in reading the advertisement, simply because they have nothing better to do at the time.  Thus, there’s an argument to be made for the viewer receiving the advertisement more positively since he’s taken up with it himself (rather than swatting away unsolicited ad suggestions in a Google sidebar while trying to navigate his own quest).

Lastly, and certainly not leastly– timing.  The human memory is a fragile mechanism, and conviction (especially, purchasing conviction), erodes over time; if a Bud Light advertisement was the last thing a girl saw before she exited a bathroom stall, (hopefully washed her hands), and arrived at the bar for a drink refill, she would be more likely to reach purchasing-fruition (per the recency effect), than the girl who read the Bud Light billboard, panting quizzically on her gym floor, far removed from any Bud-Light-relevant situation.

In conclusion: I love the social media revolution as it pertains to brands, but today, I’d like to reintroduce the notion that people also exist offline.  There’s a big world to be exploited by “dead-time” marketing, as quite frankly, I’m just overbooked online.  I’m hesitant to add to the pool of people who may be noticing the same thing because I don’t want advertisements in every nook and cranny of my life, but I simply couldn’t resist.

Maybe y’all should think about going retro?